Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Some jumbled up thoughts of homeschooling ....on my birthday....

I used to LOVE homeschooling. All of it...the planning, the teaching, the benefits of being a close knit family...all of it.

Lately, not so much:glare:

I don't like being financially dependent on dh.
I don't like that I feel the 18 years I put into this have no tangible result for ME personally. My kids are doing well, have degrees....etc., but me...NADA.

I think of my future and I cringe!

I was so INTO homeschooling, raising my Kids, taking care of my household on a shoestring, being Mom, wife, daughter, sister etc., that I forgot to be ME. I forgot to look into the time when I was old and I would need an income to take care of ME. I forgot that even though I have 7 children, and put my ALL into them, they would grow up and move out and put their ALL into themselves and their own families ( like they should) and I would become that burden they don't want to think about.

I don't feel fulfilled just knowing I did a good or even great job raising my of their personal issues haunt me as if every choice they make is somehow my fault. Being mom, teacher, guidance counselor, spiritual leader, junior psychologist, chef, maid, laundress, chauffeur, cheer leading squad etc., etc., etc., took every minute of time....and lets not forget incubator, milk machine, rocking and walking it out machine, oh my.

I want SOMETHING of my own, but I am so burnt out from homeschooling, home based business, life as it comes, hurtful situations with people who were supposed to be friends etc., that I just can't think of WHAT! And honestly, all I want to do right now is sleep. I want to shut my eyes....and sleep....deeply....for a looooooooong time!

I can think of many, many things I would LOVE to do, but they do not produce an income....and income is what we need to survive. I would not do well homeless.....

I am tired of swimming upstream. Even salmon lay their eggs and drop dead! I feel like I have been swimming against the current WAY.Too.LONG.

IF there were a decent school where we live, my kids would be on that bus so fast their heads would spin:D
IF there was even an OK school where we live, my kids would be on that bus so fast their heads would spin!
IF we had the money to pay for outsourcing, extra classes, private tutors or private classes, my kids would be in them so fast their heads would spin.

I still love the idea of homeschooling...and all the fun we had...and hopefully will have....I just wish that I spent a little more time thinking of the practicality of the financial burden being completely on dh, and the effect it would have upon my psyche and emotional health. Looking back, I wish someone would have warned us more about financial strain in our 50's rather than burdens of teenagers. (I happen to LOVE teenagers!). I wish we would have made it a priority to find careers rather than jobs. I wish we would have thought deeply how each choice we made would effect us later on.

Is this the " mid-life crisis " that people talk about?? How would I be feeling if we made other choices?? Count our blessings? Without a doubt. We are blessed....but I am still scared......and the future feels more uncertain now than it did 20 years ago....